Allrighty, my finals are over, woo-hoo! I now have more free time then I can shake a stick at! The perfect time to post an update on how Tuesday's appointment went :)
Interestingly enough, one of the moments from the morning that stuck in my head the most was on the drive up, when we came around a bend in the freeway and Seattle first came into sight. It kind of made my stomach do this weird flip-floppy thing.
I guess it's the same sort of excited and nervous butterflies that people talk about getting around a high school crush. Except for me, I most closely associate that feeling with going into something new with regard to my scoliosis treatments. I've encountered it in the past, on my way to appointments, but it had been a long time since I felt it.
Mostly, it was interesting for me to feel that, and to be able to actively evaluate why I was feeling it. Seems to me that it was mostly the thought of that city being my home for a week, when I finally do have surgery, and how bizarre that was, that was weirding me out. Seeing the whole city from a distance like that, taking it all in, made this whole experience that much more real to me.
Okay. So, the appointment went well. Dr. Hanscom is nice, and wore a really cool rainbow striped tie! I thought it was cool, my dad wasn't such a huge fan. Mostly, we answered questions for the nurse, first, and then for Hanscom. We had the chance to ask some questions, but most of them were premature at this stage.
Dr. Hanscom places a large emphasis on pain management and overall healthy living, outside of surgery, and that definitely showed up in his recommendations for me. He had seen some of my x-rays in advance, and was able to say that yes, he would suggest surgery for me. However, the surgery he was talking about was very minor in comparison to what I was expecting. His goal would not be to minimize my curves to the smallest possible degree, but rather to seek the amount of curve correction that would allow me to be stable, and to live pain free.
Now, overall, that sounds great to me! The only reason I can think of to go with an extremely aggressive approach to surgery would be for cosmetic purposes. Essentially, if I wanted to undergo extra pain, recovery time, and risk, the curves could possibly be reduced to much less than Dr. Hanscom was suggesting, and my rib hump and other visible signs of my scoliosis could be greatly reduced. BUT I am not doing this surgery to look better, and the added recovery doesn't sound like it would be worth it, even if that were my goal.
We are going back to Swedish for an appointment on January 6th. I will have x-rays done that day, followed by a meeting with Dr. Hanscom to go over the x-rays, and discuss more specific details of his recommendations for my treatment. I have decided to wait until after that appointment to make any decisions on whether or not to seek a second opinion from another surgeon.
There were two anxiety provoking aspects of this appointment, for me. The first was trying to go over my history of treatment (which has spanned roughly ten years, 3 major treatment programs, and multiple doctors) in a very short span of time. For whatever reason, revisiting all of those experiences so quickly got me slightly emotional. The second thing that stressed me a bit was the rest of Dr. Hanscom's treatment protocol.
As a doctor who studies and treats chronic pain, Hanscom is always looking to see what can be done for a patient outside of surgery. For this reason, he wants me to get into a schedule of physical therapy, specific exercise, supplements, etc. starting as soon as possible. This will get my body into optimal shape for surgery, and give me a good head start on recovery from the spinal fusion. What tweaked me out was hearing him say things like, "3 to 5 hours of weight training a week." Let me be clear here, people. I STRONGLY dislike the gym. I just do not have good associations with it, and I know that will have to change.
Essentially, I will have to go from being a person who has pretty well avoided doing anything specific by way of exercise over the past two years, (aside from occasional yoga classes, swimming sessions, and wearing my brace,) to being a gym rat, in just a few weeks time. I do not relish this change in lifestyle, but I know it will be for the best. I also know that I have a number of friends and acquaintances here at school who frequent the gym, who I can and will be asking to be my work-out partners and to help hold me accountable in all this.
I was feeling especially overwhelmed heading into Tuesday evening. The rest of Tuesday, after the appointment, consisted of heading back to school, taking a religion final, doing hw, a nice movie break with my housemate Hailey, then going to my grandparent's to celebrate my brother's birthday with family. A fun day, but a very full day, and I really didn't get much of a chance to process the information and emotions from the morning appointment.
Luckily, Tuesday nights are my campus ministry group's worship night, and that evening was our last gathering before Christmas break. It was awesome to get to gather with good friends, worship the Lord, and do some praying, as well as receive some much needed prayer and support.
While there, I was reading Phillipians, and verses 3:12-14 really stood out to me. Specifically, verse 12, which reads:
"2 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me."
What caught my eye, but more like my heart, was the phrase, "that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." This verse is a beautiful reminder for me of what a lot of friends and family have been repeating to me, lately; that I need not worry, because God has big plans for my future, and He will be with me every step of this journey. To see this verse reminded me that YES, the Lord has made me and called me for a purpose. He will pull me through this, because He isn't through with me yet.
In addition, the portion about "pressing on to take hold of" that plan of God, is an inspiration to me as I get ready to make this lifestyle shift. If ever I am tempted to start falling back into my old way of thinking, if I ever I go back to putting caring for myself on the bottom of my to-do list- because it's only something that affects me- I will go back and re-read this verse.
I will read it because it reminds me that each task put before me, no matter how insignificant it may seem, is a way in which the Lord is forming me into who He would have me be, and preparing me for the plan He has for my life. It reminds me that I am called by God to take care of this body that He has given me, that it is a temple for Him. More important than anything, it reminds me that it is not a selfish thing, or a waste of time to care for myself.
The best I can do is to remember that every hour I spend in the gym, or at P.T., is a way in which I can glorify my Creator, by respecting that He has a calling for me, and preparing myself today for the time in which that calling is made clear to me.
With these truths in mind, I feel peaceful moving forward. Aside from just waiting for the January appointment, Dr. Hanscom has assigned me homework. He is sending me a book about chronic pain management to read. He wrote this book, so it will be great to read it, and really understand where he is coming from when I go back in for my next appointment.
I guess that's all for now! Alas, I always end up so wordy. But you know, if it wasn't wordy, it just wouldn't be me :)
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